Is your marriage a bit boring? Here’s why that’s a good thing

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 22st March 2024.

An average relationship is what we should strive for, says therapist Jean Claude Chalmet

Few would admit to being in BBH — a Boring But Happy marriage. No one wants to be Mr and Mrs Average, set in their ways, a whisker away from pipe and slippers. Better surely to be that rare glamorous pair who still can’t keep their hands off each other and have more sex than their friends. And if you’re not that couple, there can sometimes be a worry that you’ve “settled”.

Not so fast. As a couples therapist with over 25 years’ experience, I believe that the very average marriage is vastly under-rated. How does one define boring anyway? Is it the nature of our daily routine, and would unpredictability and chaos be preferable? Or is it the work of tackling the difficulties andresponsibilities of a shared life?

As for the passionate jet-set relationship, packed with action and drama, where anything painful or dull is glossed over — it has an easy allure and looks good on social media. But the reality of a fiery, volatile marriage is a lot less romantic and satisfying than it sounds. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Here’s why the Boring But Happy marriage, slow and steady, wins the race.

Don’t be fooled by other people’s glamorous, jet-set marriages. They often lack real intimacy

A marriage can look amazing from the outside. Perhaps one or both partners is high powered, a big-earner; there’s executive travel, fabulous holidays, a second home in Italy. But if they’re too career-focused, alpha and frenetic, a couple can end up living virtually in parallel. I’ve had clients like this who say: “We’re like passing ships.” There can be an inability to simply sit still in a room together and be. Beneath that is often a sense of not feeling good enough, allayed by showing the world: “Look how important I am, always doing something glamorous.”

But if you rarely pause, there’s less connection, little presence, no intimacy in your relationship. You have all the outward trappings but you don’t make time for each other, and so your marriage is empty on the inside. Relationships require work, and quiet time. If you don’t put the work in, you grow apart.

Security is better than excitement

I ask women, have you married your passionate lover or the father of your children? It’s almost never both. If you marry the father of your children, you have a shared goal in mind. You’re not looking for highs and lows but a happy medium. Also, crucially, a partner whom you consider morally and psychologically sound. The same applies when men choose a wife. Excitement is often a byword for unpredictability.

If you’ve experienced that — perhaps in a volatile parent (maybe they drank, had mood swings) — you appreciate the opposite: a person in whose presence you feel at peace and emotionally safe. You’re willing to forsake excitement and insecurity for consistency and other basic fundamentals of long-term relationship success — mutual respect, kindness, care, understanding, tolerance, affection and consideration.

The most solid couples have expectations that are realistic not idealistic. It doesn’t mean they’ve ‘settled’

I don’t often see BBH couples in my therapy room. I see idealists: the woman in love with the person she thinks her husband could become rather than the person he is; or the man who believes if only his wife would change, he’d be happy — he doesn’t need to change a thing. Those in BBH marriages see their partner’s flaws and accept them, along with their own. They don’t think they “settled” for a below-par relationship or partner. They don’t demand to have it all. They’re grateful for what they have, and they work and negotiate within that. They’re aware that happiness cannot be egocentric or at their partner’s expense. They’re willing to share, and to give of themselves. There’s equal distribution — both partners give and take. It’s not wildly exciting, but it’s sweet and stable, and it creates a safe, warm environment in which the entire family can thrive.

Maintenance sex isn’t a bad sign

There’s a lot to be said for maintenance or scheduled sex. Crazy can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you lust is exhilarating, but as the decades pass, it’s not often realistic or sustainable, and believing it should be creates discontent, as it holds your relationship to impossible standards. It can also mean that you don’t see the value in deepening your connection. Comfort sex is so necessary — the sparks don’t always fly, but it’s fun, satisfying and moreish (“We must do that more often!”). Each time you deeply connect with the other person, and you know that you’re wanted, it cements your bond. Sex isn’t always having simultaneous orgasms, it’s about looking after the other person and taking care of their needs. It reflects an attitude of loving what you have.

Blazing rows and make-up sex are not as hot as they sound

There’s a misguided fantasy about the dramatic, heated relationship — think of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. Couples who have furious rows, with storming out and make-up sex, sound far more thrilling than couples whose goal in conflict is to resolve a problem together. They’re polar positions. The first is all competition and ego, a narcissistic element of needing to win, and not much room for compromise. There’s very little tolerance for conflict in the “fiery” love affair. Emotions are heightened, dramatically expressed, but rarely reflected on and processed. So arguments don’t lead to understanding or greater intimacy.

The BBH couple, however, are more open to compromise, because they’re less defensive, can employ reason, tolerate uncomfortable conversations, and their attitude is more focused on “us” than “me-me-me”. Solid marriages have a mixture of head and heart. Couples might fight, but ultimately they’re a team trying to solve an issue together. Is that mundane, or simply wise?

Shared domesticity can be one of the greatest things in life

Some consider shared domesticity dull, but it’s at the core of every middle-of-the-road relationship. It essentially means that you’re both invested in maintaining or improving your home life; that you find reward in being around each other. Both partners contribute in their own way. Descaling the shower, or washing the blinds or food shopping is mundane, but it’s also the stuff of a shared life.

BBH couples aren’t too arrogant to be involved in the minutiae of their own existence, and they understand that the more you put in, the more you get out. It’s about “being” as much as “doing” — sometimes you’re just reading the paper in companionable silence. The energy of your partner creates an automatic comfort zone. There’s security and sanctuary in knowing that the other person wants to be there with us. That we’re wanted, cared for, and they have our best interests at heart.

Are your conversations quite humdrum — great!

What did you eat today? What did you do in the gym? Did you see that next door’s fence has collapsed? The drain needs unblocking. Humdrum conversation is often about seeking connection — it barely matters what’s discussed. It reflects your comfort and ease together, often entails your “couple shorthand”, and shows the other person that you’re happy they’re here. There’s curiosity too, which is essential for long-term relationship success. You’re interested in your partner’s experience, even the smallest detail. Or maybe you’re asking something of them but you’re confident they’ll help. These are the vital signs of an average, broadly content, functional marriage. And if you’re sharing information that’s hardly fascinating, it’s far healthier than keeping secrets or consciously editing yourself so as not to bore or irritate the other.

Don’t worry if you don’t party together like you used to

Newsflash: not getting paralytically drunk and having matching blackouts in your fifties isn’t an indictment of your relationship. There are other ways to bond, relax, laugh and feel young again which are less extreme and more effective. Partying can mean having dinner with friends, when alcohol is secondary to the company and chat, and you come home buzzy and elated. You might do less (or zero) clubbing but, hopefully, a BBH couple still dance together, whether at a cousin’s wedding or a neighbour’s 50th. I do believe it’s important that couples dance. In fact, if a couple in my clinic feel they’ve lost intimacy, I suggest they try a dance class. Your local Zumba doesn’t have the cachet of a full moon party in Thailand, but it’s all about movement, music, vibration, touching each other, being in sync. Couples who know how to have fun together, even in unpromising circumstances, are couples who still have sex.

Routines and habits can give your relationship true meaning

Routine is only as dull as you make it. And often, routines in a relationship have a ritual element. They are meaningful and reinforce your bond, whether that’s the familiarity of eating fish and chips every Friday or bringing your partner a cup of tea in bed every morning. There’s comfort in routine. These rituals provide safety, predictability, security — we all know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. Yet again, it shows you care. The grand gesture of 50 red roses, diamonds or a weekend away after a year of emotional neglect is relatively superficial. It can’t compare or satisfy like the implicit devotion of your partner making you morning coffee in your favourite mug. No wonder that couples who report having at least one relationship ritual (and 60-75 per cent do) feel up to 10 per cent more satisfied with their marriage. My caveat is that if you don’t fancy fish and chips this Friday, say so. And dare ask: “What could I do to make this marriage even better? What do you need from me to feel happier, more connected?” If a BBH couple could ask this, they’d deepen what they already have.

Passionate isn’t always a good sign — and it’s awful for the kids

It’s marvellous in the bedroom, butpassionate can cover a multitude of sins (screaming, vitriol, fighting). It might sound romantic, but endless cycles of drama in a relationship are exhausting (for at least one partner, even if the other gets a power kick out of it) and horrible for the kids. With many couples, shouting and fighting is about wanting the attention of the other person, but it’s a very unhealthy and immature way of attracting it. Yes you gain their attention, but it’s negative. It doesn’t resolve the underlying situation: that this couple can’t communicate effectively or well, they’re incapable of regulating their own emotions or calming themselves, and they certainly can’t fulfil their partner’s emotional needs, even as they demand it. Who wants to feel continually on edge in a relationship?

An uneventful marriage can allow you to have time to focus on yourself

A relationship where your partner blows hot and cold is exhausting. You can’t relax. The other person sets the emotional weather, and to preserve harmony, you must be hyper alert to their mood. That takes mental effort, as you’re constantly analysing the state of your relationship, trying to mind-read, working out how to repair and appease after rows. You work hard for crumbs of affection. You’re trying to survive a toxic situation, whereas in a consistent, healthy relationship, you’re sure of your partner’s love. They don’t play mind games or try to control you. You know where you stand, and when you feel your partner needs to adjust their behaviour or attitude, it’s discussed. Feeling secure and able to be yourself in a relationship grounds you. You gain the time, confidence and headspace to think about what else you want from life, in work, hobbies, friendships. Ultimately, that enriches your BBH.

Being together for years doesn’t mean you stop learning about each other

Couples of 40 years will still discover new things about their partner if they keep talking and communicating well. Some people seek novelty outside their relationship (affairs, for example). It’s more effortful to find novelty within it. Engaging with your partner requires your curiosity and presence. It can entail planning or spontaneity; either way it necessitates — as we therapists say — holding your partner in mind. There’s empathy in that attitude, as you’re understanding that this person’s character and identity isn’t fixed, and you’re paying attention. You notice them change and mature, and you’re accepting of that. So perhaps she takes up running, he fancies doing t’ai chi — and even if that surprises you, you don’t regard it as a threat. You respect this fresh iteration of your partner. All that matters to you is that they’re happy. He’s not interested in running, nor she in t’ai chi, but they show interest because they’re interested in each other.

A boring relationship may actually be good for your health

It sounds overwrought to suggest that a Mills & Boon-style relationship — antagonistic, lust-based, punctuated with insecurity and self-doubt — is harmful to mental and physical health, but it can do real harm. You have to be on your guard, frequently on the defensive, and your partner’s changeable behaviour, from amicable to cool or hostile, can feel like a series of electric shocks. Can you imagine how stressful it is if you can’t be your true self and show vulnerability in a relationship? There’s the mental effort of keeping up a façade, knowing that you can’t express what you really need or want from the other because they won’t give it. Compare that to the tranquillity of safety and trust in a relationship — it’s balm to our wellbeing.

It doesn’t mean you can’t do exciting things together

Being in a steady routine at home doesn’t mean you can’t put Mr Miaow in a cattery and travel to the Arctic or Andes together, or try a new, unlikely activity (bird watching, archery, street dance). It only means you’ll be breaching your comfort zone with someone who’s blissfully free of drama. I’d encourage it, for BBH couples: once a year, set yourself a joint challenge. Seek adventure. Go hot-air ballooning. Do something that pushes you both to your limits, something nobody would ever imagine you’d do. The joy of being in a safe-as-houses relationship is that you have a secure base from which to spring. One can be too cautious, so don’t talk yourself out of it. Start with a weekend or day at the coast — it doesn’t need to be India.

These peaceful relationships aren’t threatened by the empty nest or retirement

When you’ve worked all your adult life — whether in a paid job, raising kids, or both — and supported your partner throughout, dreaming of time together with fewer responsibilities and distractions is a sign of confidence and contentment. It shows a desire to build on and nurture what you already have. Yet somehow, voicing enthusiasm about the kids leaving the nest, retirement — or worse, that you’re looking forward to becoming a grandparent — is seen as mundane, as if you should have bigger, flashier aspirations. But recognising that this is a time in life where you can both grow, develop new interests, share and come together is a sign that you still find your partner stimulating and caring. It reflects the understated satisfaction and reward of a BBH marriage.

Beware: being a bit boring is not the same as being indifferent or complacent

How do you know when your marriage is slipping from BBH into plain boring? It doesn’t happen overnight. Last week I asked a couple: “How long has it been since you’ve stopped working at the marriage?” They reflected and replied honestly: 15 years. From the outside, they wanted for nothing. But the marriage was a hollow shell, void of effort and respect. When you’re in a BBH marriage,there’s synchronicity, connection and shared goals. You’re grateful you can be yourself with this person and contribute to each other’s happiness. You know how to make the best of what you have, whether that’s a lot or a little.

Complacency is the opposite. It’s laziness, and taking your partner for granted.One expects the other to do all the housework or to be the provider ad infinitum. There’s entitlement and resentment, and it causes strife, tension; even anxiety and depression. As for indifference — that’s the endpoint — it tells me the marriage is over. It’s boring, unhappy, essentially dead, because one partner has emotionally checked out. There’s only one reason people put up with such misery: fear of being alone. It’s in these marriages that I see the amount of hurt couples inflict on each other. Give me a boring but happy couple any day.

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