How to keep your marriage hot: the relationship therapist’s 11 rules
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, May 27th, 2023.
A survey has found that 7.30 am is the best time for sex. The couples therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet says there are many more ways to keep long-term love thriving.
Never mind morning breath — research suggests that two thirds of couples in long-term relationships have the best sex at 7.30am as their energy levels are high and they are relaxed. But if pre-8am passion isn’t viable for you, there are many other ways to boost your sex life. And most of the magic happens outside the bedroom.
From being gracious when your advances are rejected, to hugging often and understanding that X-rated encounters don’t always happen spontaneously — all these ingredients can have a powerful effect on a couple’s sex life. Jean-Claude Chalmet, a leading psychotherapist, explains how.
1. Not every encounter has to be earth-shattering
Good sex doesn’t have to be great. Couples who have successful sex lives understand that not every encounter is a chandelier-shaker. Sometimes the act feels routine, or unexceptional — and that’s OK. It’s more important to actually have the sex — it’s the cement between the bricks of your relationship. In which form you have it doesn’t always matter — sometimes sex can be a one-way street, sometimes a quickie can do the trick — it’s the closeness, the fact that it bonds you, that’s important. It shows you care, and want to take care of each other.
2. Don’t forget to flirt — however long you’ve been together
Giving each other the gift of attention that makes you both feel special and seen is important. The happy couples I encounter still flirt — even if they’ve been together for decades. A playful, private language connects two people in a way that is both light-hearted and profound. Flirting doesn’t have to lead to something sexual, the point is that it might, which can add a charge of erotic potential to the dullest of days. Good sex starts long before we get to the bedroom.
3. Don’t pick up your phone — have sex when you wake up
It’s tempting to reach for your phone first thing, but the morning is the best time for sex, especially once you are past the child-rearing stage of life. The results of a survey of British adults published this week showed that two thirds felt sex had “maximum benefit” in the morning — at 7.30am to be precise. These findings were not such a surprise — we’re likely to be at our friskiest in the morning. The sex hormones oestrogen and testosterone peak around this time, and no one is yet ground down by the day. To those who feel self-conscious about their morning breath, there’s a very simple solution involving toothpaste.
4. Look after your appearance
In my clinic I see couples where one partner makes the effort to be attractive, and the other, not so much. It’s unreasonable to expect your partner to feel passionate about you when you can’t be bothered with yourself. It’s a form of social disrespect. We should want to make ourselves attractive to our partner and we should want to feel good about ourselves. Couples still having great married sex don’t neglect themselves physically and may have invested in nose-hair clippers. Yes, you love each other, but we can’t pretend that appearance is irrelevant when it comes to attraction. This isn’t about body shape, unless it affects your mojo. Dim the lights if you must, but ban shame from the bedroom — life’s too short to deny ourselves pleasure for pointless reasons. Thankfully, most people in midlife and beyond realise that. The point is, we always feel sexier if we take care of ourselves.
5. Quality is better than quantity. Don’t worry about the lean times
All loving, successful long-term relationships have phases when sex is infrequent. But if sex is thrilling and satisfying and bonding when you do have it, you quickly forget the lean times. Quantity is an odd yardstick by which to measure your sex life. Good married sex happens when couples can be open with each other; when in fallow periods, they talk, they don’t become silent, resentful or judgmental. It’s vulnerability and intimacy or the lack of it in a relationship that makes sex great or terrible. If couples communicate, sex is good, and in-between times are fine too because they remain intimate in other ways. It’s only when sex is unsatisfactory and couples fester instead of talking that the sexless times last.
6. Hold hands: keep up non-sexual physical contact
We can all spare a few minutes to connect with our partner. Twenty seconds after we start hugging we begin to produce oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone” — it softens us, makes us feel bonded and allows us to be closer. It’s easy to fall out of the habit of holding hands, or stroking your partner’s arm, or kissing when you part. These gestures feel superfluous, but in fact they are crucial. We don’t always realise that we need this kind of touch, but hugs and kisses add to our wellbeing and relationship satisfaction. At least one research study (published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships) has shown that couples who touch each other more, and are happy with the amount of touch they are receiving, are usually more sexually satisfied and happier in their relationship.
7. Schedule sex — it doesn’t have to be spontaneous
If you wait till you’re both in the mood, there’s a strong chance you’ll have precious little sex. Better to agree to your close encounters in advance. This doesn’t have to be a timetable — just suggest it, for later or tomorrow. Or send a message and let the idea percolate. It’s a myth that desire is more spontaneous than reactive. Especially in long-term relationships, it rarely springs stone cold out of nowhere and we’re far more likely to feel in the mood once we’re anticipating sex. Scheduling something is a way of prioritising it. What I regularly see in my clinic with long-term couples is that the woman has stopped wanting sex and the man feels this has nothing to do with him. If both partners see it as their responsibility to make sex enjoyable, they’ll both want to put that “X” in the diary.
8. Spend more time in bed chatting
We do have to create favourable conditions for intimacy, and it takes effort because there are endless distractions, and sometimes we want solitude. To foster closeness, an energy-lite strategy for weary long-term couples is to spend more time in bed together. Synchronise your bedtime and make it earlier than normal. Don’t leap out of bed first thing to exercise. Even if you’re on your phones to begin with, you might move closer to share a cat video (or whatever it takes). Lying in bed together, with not much on, just chatting, even if only for a few minutes, makes you feel relaxed and warm towards one other.
9. It shouldn’t be one partner who always initiates sex
Couples often fall into a pattern where one partner initiates sex, and I know from couples I counsel in my clinic it’s often the man. Unless the sex is mechanical, conveyor-belt stuff, in which case no wonder his partner isn’t making overtures, this shouldn’t be the case. We should all be in charge of our own pleasure, and making the first move if you are in the mood rather than waiting to be asked is part of that. What if your partner doesn’t ask, because they think you won’t fancy it? We move perilously close to mind-reading territory. Then, because mind-reading doesn’t work, no one gets what they want.
10. Learn how to manage rejection
You’ve suggested sex, and your partner says no because they’re tired, or stressed, or don’t feel like it. Unless there’s something else going on — and most of us know when that is — take them at their word that it isn’t personal. Be gracious. Remind yourself that while no one loves rejection, everyone experiences it. Anyone who sulks if their partner isn’t in the mood makes it less likely they’ll get a yes this week or the next. No one likes to be guilt-tripped or made to feel that they owe their partner sex.
11. Therapy doesn’t mean it’s a crisis
If you aren’t having sex, and it is because of your partner, I advocate brutal honesty. The conversation will be painful, but things could get better. However, a little help from a good therapist can be invaluable if you feel stuck — or if you fear that broaching a sensitive topic will get you nowhere or make matters worse. Your relationship doesn’t have to be in complete meltdown before you engage a professional to help you to break unhelpful patterns and better understand each other.
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