My ex and I are ‘nesting’ — the new way of co-parenting
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, August 12th, 2023.
The Canadian first family is said to be trying a very modern arrangement after their split. We’ve been doing it for years, writes Beth Behrendt. Plus, family therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet’s advice
How is my family like the Canadian prime minister’s? Let me count the ways. Marriage ended after 18 years? Tick. Three kids? Tick. Co-parenting by keeping the children in the family home, while we take turns to move in and out? Tick. The only difference, besides the fact that we are not wealthy or world-famous, is that “nesting” (as this method of post-divorce parenting is known) isn’t new to me, my ex-husband and our three sons — we’ve been at it for over nine years.
Justin Trudeau and Sophie Grégoire Trudeau’s co-parenting plans will still sound unconventional to some. After the couple announced their split last week, Canadian media reported that their children (Xavier, 15, Ella-Grace, 14, and Hadrien, 9) are staying put with their father in Rideau Cottage, their Ottawa home, while their mother has moved nearby. Then, when Justin, 51, is away on state business (as he is regularly), Sophie, 48, will move back in to take on primary parenting duties.
Whether nesting is on the rise is difficult to track, but in the UK many legal experts report that it’s becoming an increasingly common practice. Here in the American state of Indiana, I first found a mention of it in a guidebook on divorce, as our marriage moved in that direction, and the concept struck a chord. Not uprooting our young chicks — then 12, 9 and 5 — from the comfort of the family nest while we flew in and out to co-parent them was very appealing. Fortunately, Bill was on board with the idea when I presented it, saying, “Why should they be the ones to suffer? They’re not the ones causing the divorce.”
We had both recognised that our marital problems were impacting our ability to parent well, despite repeated attempts at counselling over the years. We might not have been good as married people, but we hoped we could be good, even better, co-parents. The idea was that short-term nesting would offer our kids a comfortable adjustment period as we figured out what divorce would mean for all of us. Little did we know we’d find it so beneficial that we would still be sticking with it after all these years.
The evening we sat the kids down to tell them we’d decided to divorce, I had my first indication that we’d made the right decision to try nesting. The two older boys, who had friends living in the typical back-and-forth-between-two-homes scenario, began to cry as soon as we said the D-word but stopped as soon as we told them that they weren’t leaving their home. We would be the ones to move in and out to take care of them. “Like when Dad has gone on work trips, or Mum has gone to visit her family,” we explained, and off they went to play happily on the Xbox. Later that evening Bill and I tag-teamed bedtime, just as we had so many nights before.
Since that evening they have continued to enjoy being based in one home instead of two. They’ve slept every night in the same bedrooms, with all their treasured possessions. Their schoolwork and everything needed for music, sports and other extracurricular activities can always be found in the usual places. Their friends always know where to find them, and the beloved family dog is there to send them off to school every morning and greet them at the end of every day. In almost every way their lives have remained the same.
● Children ‘will live with PM’ after Justin and Sophie Trudeau split
While we were glad our kids were doing well, setting up a nesting arrangement had stresses and challenges for Bill and me. One of the attractions of nesting was that it was a less expensive approach to divorce. It was cheaper to rent a small apartment nearby, furnished with a few cast-offs from the home and donations from family, than to set up another family-sized home, fully equipped for three children.
Yes, the finances were complicated, but with the help of our lawyers we agreed that Bill would take over sole ownership of the house and pay for all related expenses; I would cover the rent and bills for the apartment. We split any child-related costs, from groceries and clothes to extracurricular activities, in percentages based on our incomes.
We agreed to a five-days-on and five-days-off schedule and treated the apartment that we “shared” (we were never there at the same time) like an Airbnb; expecting the sheets to be washed, the kitchen cleaned and rubbish taken out before the other parent arrived. This was, at times, emotionally charged, especially if there were indications that either of us was dating — two wine glasses by the kitchen sink, or unfamiliar shampoo in the shower.
At the family home, Bill kept the master bedroom and bathroom. I moved into the guest suite in our basement. Neither of us had single-parented for extended periods of time before, so it was overwhelming at times and seemingly minor things could quickly turn into a big deal. Bill had never handled all the laundry generated by three kids on his own before. I was mortified to learn that on his mornings they were often pulling dirty school uniforms out of their laundry baskets to wear again. I made many of my own mistakes.
● Platonic co-parenting is on the rise and I can see why
Over the years our arrangement evolved. Bill began travelling extensively for work, so we stopped sharing the apartment and it became completely mine, which was a liberating feeling. We ended our strict five-days-on, five-days-off schedule and (much like the Trudeaus) I just come into the family home whenever he needs to travel.
We’ve been fortunate to have supportive friends and family who helped out when they could. Potential dating partners were sometimes more of a challenge. Bill and I agreed, as soon as nesting was on the table, that the kids would not be introduced to adults we were dating, nor would they be allowed in the nest, until it had been cleared with the other parent. In retrospect this encouraged both of us to be highly selective, which worked out pretty well. Bill remarried about a year ago and I am engaged to be married next year. Our new partners are supportive of our nesting situation and have been wonderful additions to our family.
The Trudeaus’ story gives me hope that many more families will find creative ways to co-parent after divorce. I host a private community of nesting parents on Facebook and have seen its membership more than double in the past year.
Looking back, I don’t think either of us could have predicted how much easier the arrangement would get the longer it lasted. Bill and I found our ability to communicate improved enormously once the strain of our marital issues was behind us. We enjoyed creating new traditions with our children for holidays, birthdays and other family celebrations, and our relationship is better now than it ever was when we were married.
In recent years we’ve seen our oldest off to university and a career in another state. Our middle son is getting ready to leave for university on the other side of the country in the autumn. Our youngest has high school ahead of him yet. Because we’ve done it before, I know that we will figure out together what makes sense for all of us once he flies the nest.
Beth Behrendt is the author of Nesting After Divorce: Co-Parenting in the Family Home (Union Square, £14.99). To order a copy go to timesbookshop.co.uk. Free UK standard P&P on orders over £25. Special discount available for Times+ members. You can learn more on Beth Behrendt’s website, familynesting.org.
Co-parenting after a split By the family therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet
There are pros and cons to any post-divorce living arrangement, but as a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience helping divorcing couples and their children to make the process as painless for everyone as possible, I know that more important than times and places is both adults understanding — and prioritising — the children’s emotional needs.
Regardless of whether you have one home, two homes or houses next door, the truth is that the children’s well-being depends on how well their parents get along — and that they are aligned and respectful in their co-parenting, no matter what they privately feel about one another.
Whatever the arrangements, the children must be the central platform around which they’re built. What I always say to parents is that they share a sacred duty and joint responsibility in bringing them up, and getting them through this as untraumatised as possible. Fight if you must, but don’t do it through the children.
● 50-50 arrangements work if both parents are flexible
The most common post-separation arrangement is that each parent has their own home and the children spend half of their time in each. If one of those can be the original family home, it adds stability, but don’t fixate on the lack of continuity if you have to sell it. They will still have to spend time at another house, there will still be upheaval, and they will still be disturbed.
This is not easy for children, but remember it’s better for them to divide their time between two homes, in which each parent is content than stay in one with warring parents.
How children cope largely depends on how each parent behaves. Adults create the atmosphere in the home, and if one parent is immature or selfish, the 50-50 arrangement can be purgatory for the children.
So often I see separating adults who cannot overcome their hurt, which they display as anger or anxiety. If children become the battleground over which parents vent their rage, then they will suffer, no matter how luxurious the homes. Teenagers I’ve seen, aged 16 and 17, tell me they feel like dogs being dragged from here to there.
Putting the children first means protecting them from emotional turmoil, being flexible and not spiting your ex if they ask you to take the kids in an emergency (“No, sorry, not my day, I can’t do anything”). While it’s important that children have their own room, and feel at home in both properties, it’s the emotional availability of their parents that matters a lot more.
● If the child sees one parent every other weekend, don’t try to be the “fun” parent
You’d imagine that few parents would put up with only seeing their children every other weekend these days, but it’s still a common enough arrangement post-divorce. In the couples I see, it usually happens if a family lives in the countryside and one parent works in London or another city, where they often end up getting a place.
In this situation, I often hear the complaint from the “weekday” parent that they’ve become the disciplinarian, while their ex becomes the “fun” weekend parent. This is even more likely if this arrangement is court-imposed, not agreed by the couple independently, and they fight to be the parent the child likes the most. Children need boundaries and as much harmony as is possible to feel secure. For starters, the same rules should apply in each household and parents should not contradict each other. If one forbids ice cream at breakfast, the other shouldn’t allow it to score points.
It is not uncommon for the more occasional parent to find a new partner first, as they have more freedom and opportunity. Then, when the child travels to see them, they have to cope with an unfamiliar person while they’re still getting used to unfamiliar surroundings. I advise that, for the first 12-18 months, parents spend their energy, love, and effort on making their children feel emotionally safe.
Ensure they have their own space, so they can be alone with their emotions, able to withdraw if they need to. If it’s a one-bedroom flat, the child gets the bedroom when they are there and the parent sleeps on the sofa. The child mustn’t be deprived of normality at either home — doing chores, being helped with their homework, and having time to relax together.
● Nesting is a good idea in principle but can be tricky in practice
Nesting — when children get the stability of staying put in the family home while each parent moves in and out — used to be more common only among wealthier clients, who could afford three residences: one for each parent and a “nest” for the children. Nowadays it seems to be becoming increasingly common for less well-off ex-couples. However, they do it with two homes, with parents typically sharing one smaller secondary residence.
While it sounds ideal in theory and has worked for some families, I’ve only encountered bad experiences with nesting. Very often a Sherlock Holmes scenario arises, with each parent trying to detect what has gone on at either home in their absence. It can also confuse the children, as they must adapt to two systems in one house — “with Mum we set the table, whereas Dad doesn’t care,” and so on — which is much harder than acclimatising to “now we’re going to Dad’s, this is what happens there”.
From my experience as a therapist, children prefer it when each parent has their own house, where they get used to the different systems.
● Sometimes the children live with one parent and the other is welcome at any time
A popular arrangement is for the children to stay in the same house, with one parent, while the other can visit at any time. Marvellous as it sounds in theory, as the children have the security of being in one place, the practicalities can cause tension and the primary parent can find it difficult to set boundaries.
I advise couples to agree on the fine print. What does it mean, that the other parent can visit at any time? What if they start interfering? How will the other tolerate the back-seat parent?
It demands a certain level of respect from the parent allowed to pop in day or night — they should always ring in advance. One problem I often see is that when the parent visits the children feel obliged to entertain them and they can develop unhealthy people-pleasing behaviours when it’s the parents who should be looking after them. Establishing routines can help relieve the pressure — “Wednesday is movie night, Mum or Dad arrives at 7 pm and we have a pizza and watch a film together.”
● Some ex-partners have no formal arrangement, with homes nearby so kids can come and go
Some separated couples have two homes but no formal arrangement, to keep it familial and flexible. They might even both have keys to each property. This requires a great deal of trust from both adults and establishing routines is key. It’s also an arrangement that may be more suitable for older kids — although, in general, the younger they are, the more easily they adapt.
If children have differing preferences as to which parent and what home they spend time in, you must differentiate between the emotional needs of the child and a power game. Though if the child is playing one parent off against the other, the parent’s behaviour is likely to be the cause.
● How much say should children have?
It’s important that children feel involved and comfortable, not like chattels who are only ever ferried around and decided for. Even though you are apart, try to make decisions as a family. If a teen boy wants to spend more time with his father, can you find a way of making that happen? It’s tricky if siblings have differing preferences and it’s fine to say no (with an explanation), but if some compromise is available, try it. It doesn’t have to be permanent. Whatever you do, don’t make your child feel guilty for a situation you brought about.
As told to Anna Maxted
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