8 reasons not to get a divorce, by the couples therapist
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, March 23rd, 2024.
Socks on the floor and dinners in silence? Dealing with long-term relationship conflicts head on can lead to a happier marriage
Bad, boring, even bitter patches are normal in every long-term relationship. If unhappiness with your partner is recurrent or ongoing, it’s not unusual to dream of divorce. With some of the couples I encounter, the love and care has completely gone, with no possibility of a return, and splitting is the best option for both. However, many people I see in my clinic say that separating from their spouse was a huge mistake. What seems like an inevitable end — for example, there’s been an affair or a couple have stopped communicating — can, in fact, be the flash point that leads to a new beginning.
If you recognise the symptoms that something is wrong between you and work together to repair it, your marriage could not only recover, it could blossom. Here are eight common situations that don’t necessarily spell relationship doom.
1. You’re bored with one another — especially in the empty nest
Of course boredom sets in if you haven’t changed your routine in decades. This dullness can feel especially stark once the kids leave home and there are no teenager-shaped distractions. But your boredom isn’t necessarily with your partner — often you’re bored with yourself, with your life, with what’s expected.
Naturally, if we obliterate our real self for the sake of a quiet life the relationship becomes fake and withers. But it needn’t if one person dares to say: “I’m bored and I don’t want to be.” It doesn’t mean you want to end the relationship, but you want something different. (It’s likely that you have at least one thing in common — perhaps you’re both missing your kids.) Dare to discuss how you can renew and revive what you have. Admit it’s not working for either of you and explore how you can better meet each other’s needs, and your own. I have seen couples quickly become more positive and interested when they take this approach.
2. You’re the ‘silent’ couple at the restaurant
When you’re sitting in a restaurant eating and not a word is exchanged for two hours, the phrase “companionable silence” does not apply. The silence is usually because there’s so much underlying tension between you that neither dares speak because you’re scared of enraging the other.
When you’re stuck, unable to communicate, it can feel unbearably lonely and that you may as well end the marriage. It’s more likely that there is something important you need to discuss (although not in your local pizzeria), and at this point what do you have to lose?
One person must have the courage to start the difficult conversation. What I’ve suggested in therapy is something along the lines of: “I know this isn’t easy for us to talk about, but I really need to have a conversation with you about X. Can we go for a walk together tomorrow and discuss it?”
• 13 secrets of happy couples, by the therapist who knows
3. One of you is evolving, the other is stagnating
There’s scope for stagnation in any long-term relationship. One person might be so overloaded that they haven’t had the chance to fulfil their dreams or ambitions. Or it may be that one person hasn’t matured emotionally while the other has evolved. Whether this calls time on a marriage depends on whether the partners are still able to see the other’s value. If you feel that your partner behaves like a teenager, talking down to them won’t foster goodwill. We don’t always grow at the same time — it’s not necessarily a dealbreaker. A relationship can thrive if couples can discuss what exactly needs to change for them to feel more content. For that they must be willing to listen — and compromise. The less-evolved partner doesn’t need to be frightened by therapy-speak, just able to understand that consideration and respect in a relationship should go both ways.
4. The sex has gone
No couple have as much sex as they did when they met. Unsexy patches are normal. But sex doesn’t totally vanish from the agenda for no reason. Intimacy goes first. There’s a lot that must be in place in a relationship for sex to happen — trust, emotional safety, closeness — for women and men. You need to feel safe in your relationship before you can enjoy sex. If your partner causes you psychological stress — by being cold or disrespectful, for instance — sex is uncomfortable, even impossible. Men can’t physically perform if they feel under threat. (It makes sense ― an erection when fleeing a sabre-toothed tiger wouldn’t be useful.) But the spark can return. Start by building emotional safety. Recover closeness by treating each other as you wish to be treated. It leads to warmth, trust and, slowly, intimacy.
5. You have the same arguments over and over
Having the same row endlessly is a negative way of securing your partner’s full engagement. Unless your rows are toxic (sarcasm, passive aggression, cruelty, contempt) they can be a clumsy way of saying “please pay attention to me”. In that sense, circular rows can be comforting in their familiarity. There are better ways to bond, but the thing to note is that wanting connection is the underlying wish.
In clinic I sometimes forbid couples to revisit their pet row. When I say, “Your homework is you can’t row about that anymore,” they realise how attached they are to fighting about the in-laws. This can prompt them to think about what might lie underneath their touchiness. Are they jealous of the attention that their partner pays their own family? Pinpointing the real issue can be the first step to resolving it.
6. You think the grass will be greener
Some relationships run their course. One sign of doom is when indifference is entrenched. But many people feel discontented with their partner, lazily blame them for every problem and fantasise about how divorce, or someone else’s relationship, would be so much better. That may sometimes be the case, but I counsel many people who five years after separating bitterly regret it. The key is to be realistic. Recognise that whatever you’ve contributed to this relationship, unless you work at understanding yourself you’ll drag your emotional baggage and lousy attitude to your next relationship. Snap out of the fantasy that it’s always the other person who’s wrong or at fault. Be honest about what you’re like to love before you walk away. You may realise that if you change for the better you could be happiest where you are.
• The marriage audit: 12 questions every long-term couple should ask
7. You’re sick of being treated like a second-class citizen and doing all the chores
Of all the reasons not to divorce, this may be the surprising exception. Because if one partner has picked up every sock, done the admin, held down a job, read every bedtime story and languished underappreciated for decades, to make the relationship democratic is a tall order. The put-upon person has accepted their partner’s behaviour — and the longer it has lasted, the harder it is to change the status quo. Their mistake was to enable the other person’s selfishness. (Important note: I’m not referring to abusive relationships here.)
Even so, perhaps it isn’t too late to set boundaries. This isn’t about delivering an ultimatum, it’s about stating your needs. If stating your needs feels like the endgame, you must consider what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship.
8. There has been an affair
After an affair, the first question I ask in couples therapy, to the “betrayed” partner, is: “Why do you think it happened?” Often the cheated-on partner blames the other wholesale, and thinks: “I can never trust this person again.” Yet people often later regret divorcing in anger and haste.
I believe both partners play a role in the state of a marriage and for an affair to happen both must be unhappy but afraid to talk about it. Can couples discuss why the affair happened? Was it a cruel way of prompting a split, or to draw attention to the fact that something was wrong? If the latter, can we change it? If both are willing to reflect on their contribution to the state of the relationship and use this crisis to make it stronger, more loving and interesting, this painful time could be a turning point.
The Place Retreats offers couples retreats where couples have the opportunity to fully express themselves and communicate their needs in a safe space.
We’re here to help. Contact us today for a no-obligation conversation. Or join us on one of our award-winning couples retreats in Bali.
