Why more middle-aged men are going to therapy
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, October 07th, 2023.
The therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet explains how it can transform the second half of life
In recent years I’ve seen an increasing desire in men to grow in self-knowledge and embrace what therapy can do for them. I see a lot of men in my practice, and because most in midlife are married or in relationships, their issues affect their partner or children too. Many men want the second half of their life to be better than the first.
There’s so much pressure on men to be something they’re not. Women are affected too, but are more likely to confide in friends for emotional release. Men also struggle against society’s conditioning, with many feeling they can’t show weakness or vulnerability. Therapy isn’t just about accepting yourself, though. That’s not enough. Rather, it helps you see where you are, and how to get to where you’d like to be. This means stripping away some of the superficial layers you’ve acquired to meet expectations (the big office, the shiny car, the kids in private school) to get back to your real, authentic self.
It’s not that you must discard all the trappings, but look beyond them. A lot of men use their job status as a way of feeling good enough. If they lose it, it can lead to a breakdown because without this protective veneer they don’t know how to cope.
A lot of men don’t feel good enough, and therapy can change that. Just this week the actor Idris Elba, 51, disclosed he has been in therapy for a year because he works too much. Speaking to the Changes with Annie Macmanus podcast, he admitted to being “an absolute workaholic”. He went on to say: “It’s not because I don’t like myself or anything like that, it’s just because I have some unhealthy habits.”
I actually disagree with what Elba said. I believe that, in common with many men, he loves himself but finds it harder to like himself. In working excessively, many men are trying to prove to themselves that they’re good enough, which is something therapy helps you to do.
Here’s what else you need to know about men and midlife therapy.
Seeking help doesn’t mean you’re broken
Therapy now carries less of a stigma, but for some men it still remains a taboo or a sign of weakness. Often they were raised to be problem solvers, and they feel shame at the idea of being vulnerable and not being able to cope or to fix themselves. They think seeking therapy proves there’s something wrong with them. They don’t see it as a way of resolving issues they’ve lived with for so long that these have become unbearable, meaning that they’re prone to drink, gamble or fall into other destructive habits to numb their fears or pain.
You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit
Not all men need therapy, but many would benefit. You don’t have to be in crisis for it to be helpful. My male clients come to my clinic because something hasn’t felt right for a while. There’s a pervasive feeling of boredom, or quiet discontent with their life, and their weariness doesn’t dissipate with a holiday. They feel they’re on a treadmill of mortgage payments, school fees and car payments that never stop — I’ve seen this even when their partner is also working. They feel responsible and want to escape. It’s common for them to think, “Is this all there is?” Even if they are not at breaking point, therapy can help these men to distinguish between what they want and what they need. There’s a huge difference. Therapy can help them to clarify what is really important to them.
You have to be honest in therapy — it’s not easy
If therapy is to be effective, you have to be honest, and for men this can be difficult. They’re more likely to lack the ability to identify their emotions. While they might brag or talk about sport to their friends, not many will tell their mates if they’re feeling desperate. A skilful therapist will ask the right questions. If you work excessively, for example, why is that? Many men have never asked themselves, or answered that question truthfully. Is it to escape home? Is it to make more money, and if so, to spend on what? Is the office more entertaining than home? Are you creating more work so you don’t have to be with your partner? Therapy helps you to be more truthful, but men who lie in therapy tend to drop out.
It’s never too late to change
By the time men reach their forties they are often set in ways that aren’t always conducive to a connected and loving relationship. This can mean their marriage is practical and operational but contains little joy, or they’re on their third wife and working all hours to pay child support. But you can change old habits if you’re committed. Some men come to therapy because they’ve been told by their wife or boss that they need to talk to somebody. But if they don’t want to change nothing will happen. That said, after the age of 40 men are more aware of mortality and often think, “If I don’t do something different now, when will I?”
Many men blame their wives when they themselves are the issue, or at least hugely contributing to any difficulties. The problem, be it affairs, alcohol or always being in the office, then follows them to the next relationship. Many of my male clients are often overstressed, anxiety-driven and struggling to sleep. Or their behaviour is causing problems with their partner, family or colleagues. They may be workaholics, or drinking too much, or excessively exercising. They may be aggressive or prone to emotional withdrawal. They’re distant from their partner or children, even if their relationship is fundamentally good. Maybe they have affairs. Men succumb to these destructive habits as a way of avoiding painful feelings or thoughts, but that’s no excuse. Therapy can help them to understand what drives these habits, and in so doing enable them to take better care of themselves and those they love.
Silence and secrecy worsens ‘manxiety’
It’s not always apparent, but many men are full of anxiety. Beneath this “manxiety” are often feelings like hurt, shame and failure. Perceived failure at work or at parenting, for example. Many men see life’s challenges as shortcomings, and that creates a shame they can’t talk about. Shame thrives on secrecy and silence, and with it might come depression, drinking or workaholism to numb the anxiety. So rather than focus only on changing behaviours, it’s important to identify and tackle the root cause of them, which is what a good therapist will help men do. If you address the cause, the symptoms fall away.
Learning how to communicate can save your relationship
How many men learn to communicate properly in an intimate relationship? If they didn’t see this growing up, it’s their responsibility to learn it as an adult. If they don’t it’s likely they’ll remain emotionally immature and incapable of having difficult conversations. Often men come to therapy because they feel so alone and don’t know how to reconnect with the family they come home to each night and work so hard for. Therapy does the important work of helping them decipher and communicate how they’re feeling, and helps them examine what their needs might be. Simultaneously, therapy can help men better understand and respond to their partner and children’s needs, and transform their relationship with the people they love.
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