Just good friends? My emotional affair with the school run dad

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, November 02 2024.

We’ve never kissed but we message secretly. Is it so wrong, asks one married mother. Plus: what the couples therapist says about the blurred lines of infidelity

Full-blown affairs often start as emotional affairs

I haven’t saved his name in my phone, yet I receive WhatsApps from him at least once a day. His number is saved with the sunglasses emoji instead, so whenever a new message alert pings it feels as though a cool ray of sunshine is beaming out of my iPhone screen. The content of our exchanges is innocent; the minutiae of life, the universe and everything. The context is that my husband has no idea that we’re messaging each other all.

Sunglasses Guy (not his real name) is a dad I met on the school run — we both have children at the same primary school — and then various dinners, parties and barbecues in our small town in Oxfordshire. We began to bond on dog walks, where we’d bump into each other in the same field. Both former Londoners in our early forties, we quickly established we have ex-colleagues in common and operate in the same work worlds. I can’t pretend that I didn’t also notice that he’s physically attractive in a beardy-dad, checked-shirt way. He’s charming but unassuming, and he seems interested in what I have to say. After 14 years of marriage, this attentiveness is hot in itself.

I’m not sure when I got his number, but at some point over the past six months, our casual acquaintance segued into something more. We moved on from bumping into each other on dog walks to being good enough friends to deliberately arrange them after the school run.

Suddenly it feels like Sunglasses Guy is one of my closest friends in our small town, except he’s a friend I can’t really tell anyone about. Our friendship has no label, with an unspoken agreement between us to keep it covert. I’ve never had an affair before, but wonder if this is how they start. A meeting of minds, rather than lustful urges. We don’t meet for a coffee, or call each other, or even talk to each other all that much in the presence of our spouses.

Should I tell my husband about my emotional affair?

Oh yes, because I’m friends with his wife, and he’s friends with my husband. I live in a place where many Londoners have moved to raise families — my friendship circle is casually dressed couples, with SUVs to drive children to a plethora of after school clubs. To the outside eye, Sunglasses Guy and I are just two parents who get invited to the same dinner parties.

Yet on any given day, at 7.30am, a message might ping in from SG. “I saw this article about women’s strength training, it reminded me of what you said about getting into weights.” It’s wondering whether I was the first thing he thought about when he woke up that gives me the endorphin boost.

Later on, I send Sunglasses Guy a picture of the salmon recipe I’m trying on the kids for dinner, to which he quickly replies: “Let me know how it goes. Better have pasta pesto as a back-up.”

Sometimes we share amusing memes we’ve seen on Instagram that no one else would find funny. Sunglasses Guy and I seem to be on the same wavelength, humour-wise, and it’s lovely to be playful and spirited with someone again. My husband and I used to be on that wavelength, but he is more likely to send me motivational wellbeing posts these days than things that make me laugh.

Sometimes SG and I help each other with work issues, which our spouses wouldn’t “get”. We’ve never crossed over into obvious flirtation, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t on the cards. We’ve held each other’s eye for longer than is appropriate, and I have wondered what he’s like in bed. (All right, I might have had a few sexy dreams and even masturbated about him too.)

So, I know exactly why I hide these WhatsApp exchanges from my husband, even deleting the chat history when the thread has become too long. Especially when I’ve shared details of something personal, maybe after a few glasses of wine, such as recounting an argument with my husband, and Sunglasses Guy has offered (strictly platonic) advice.

When I heard the term “emotional affair” recently, I recognised with a gulp that it sums up how I’m acting right now. I’ve never so much as kissed someone else since I met my husband 18 years ago, but the frisson of this secret liaison makes me feel happy. Alive even. Feeling a spark, and attention from someone new, is giving me extra oomph during otherwise boring days.

It’s how I felt when I met my husband — the connection, the texting, the getting to know each other, is what makes me thrive. I realise how much I have missed it, and yes, in the back of my mind, I wonder if SG has friendzoned me or if he fancies me. Are his thoughts entirely platonic? ­Emotional affairs, apparently, can be a ­signal of what we’re lacking in our marriage, as if we’re trying to fill a gap. This chimes. I often feel as though I’m competing with my husband’s phone for attention, rather than having meaningful conversations together. The stresses of money and children mean our marriage has become functional rather than fun. Our WhatsApps are more likely to say things like, “bin day today”, or “doing burgers, need ketchup!”.

I had an affair — and I will take the secret to my grave

Ditto, SG has been with his wife for 20 years and they have three children, so their life is full-on parenting and working, on repeat. From the outside, I’m not sure how much they focus on each other as a couple, socialising separately to save on babysitters, and he has hinted at wanting to rekindle some adventure in his life.

I know that it’s natural after so long together for both of our marriages to have lost a little spark, not least as we’re both in the trenches with small children. I’m not sure at what point an emotional affair crosses the line into an actual affair. But I know I’m treading on dangerous ground here, because the friendship and attraction are both there. If my husband was WhatsApping a friend of mine like this — especially about our relationship — and meeting her for walks but not telling me, then yes, I’d feel let down.

The honourable thing to do is stop messaging Sunglasses Guy, so that I can focus on getting that connection back with my husband instead. SG should be doing the same with his wife.
However, it feels like a head-heart pull, and one that I’m not feeling ready or strong enough to make. At the moment, the casual dog walks and endorphin- inducing messages back and forth with SG are the highlights of my days. Days that are otherwise filled with bin chats, and school runs, and Zoom calls, and cooking dinner for small children.

Speaking of dinner — no, the kids didn’t like my salmon dish, and yes, they needed pasta pesto, just like Sunglasses Guy predicted. “You called it,” I WhatsApped him back. “Always here when you need pasta pesto advice,” he replied. Which made me laugh.

Am I falling in love with this man? I can definitely feel glimmers.

Just good friends — or are you crossing a line?

A family therapist explains how to prevent a friendship turning into a fling

Perhaps you text your “office wife” at the weekend, exchanging cute little confidences unshared with your partner. Maybe you exchange a flirty message with an old crush on Instagram. Should you worry? Should your partner?

The truth is, the line isn’t always clear. Here Jean-Claude Chalmet, a leading family therapist, explains what is healthy and what is not — and what you can do about it.

It’s OK to have a platonic boyfriend

Second only to your partner, he is your best friend. You call him “darling” in public and always kiss hello — possibly on the lips. If your partner is away, you might meet him for breakfast, lunch, visit a museum or have dinner. Is this a sizzling emotional affair? Not necessarily. It’s all about boundaries and adhering to what’s acceptable and respectful to your partner (whether they are absent or present). Crucially, it’s dependent on there being no physical attraction between you, no frisson, and definitely no one-sided crush. It’s a friendship and the communication between the two of you has to be good enough for both of you to know this. The idea of having sex with each other? Ideally for both the honest answer is: “I can’t think of anything more disgusting.”

Should you extinguish that old flame?

Nothing ever happened between you, although you know he had a crush on you. Meeting up is innocent fun, a mild ego boost, especially after that argument with your spouse. There may be no harm in that. Of course it isn’t actually cheating if it’s a hands-off meet-up. The question I would ask a client is: “What’s happened in your relationship that you’re now attracted to this person, or letting them think you are?” You’re looking outward for diversion and excitement. Notice the context of this meeting. Has there been a long, frosty period in your marriage? A big fight? When you meet an old admirer (or old flame) at the moment comfort is needed, you’re seeking comfort in a place that is not wise. It’s not always the case, but admit to yourself if it’s just an ego-boosting exercise.

Fantasy cheating doesn’t count, but it’s problematic if you’re doing it all the time

Fantasy affairs are very common in my therapy room. Once in a while, of course, it’s fine, normal — enjoy! But some people can be serial offenders. Yes, it’s all in their minds, but they’re so enthralled by that alternate reality that they’re a ghost in their actual relationship. During sex, they’re thinking of someone else. On holiday with their partner, they’re thinking about how it would be with someone else. It’s often the precursor to physically cheating — and though some never will, they’re simply not present in the relationship and the other person can feel it. It’s like they’re living a double life. There’s a dissociation — they’re there, but not really there, and that is unhealthy for both people involved. They need to focus on reality.

What about that ex who always messages when their marriage is in a rough patch?

You know that person. You can always tell when their relationship is hitting a bad time because their messages increase in frequency and warmth. It can be harmless. It feels good too — they’re trying to rekindle something and you’re enjoying the warmth. Plus, it makes you feel young again. However, if this coincides with your own midlife crisis — so that you are two people in the same life stage, looking for the same thing — be aware that it can slowly lead to romance. The sensible thing to do is to ask yourself, would you show your partner your messages? And to ask your partner: “Does it bother you that I’m texting with this old girlfriend/boyfriend of mine?” And if they say yes, then you might need to disengage a bit — not ghosting your ex, but keeping messages kind but bland.

Flirting with someone in front of your partner isn’t cheating — it’s usually just attention-seeking

You were at a party with your spouse and, after a cocktail or two, end up sitting on someone’s lap, drunkenly cuddling. No, this isn’t cheating — it was in full sight of everyone. Perhaps you were just being affectionate and it was a laugh between old friends. If you were a client in my clinic, I would suggest that you ask your partner how he felt about it (if he isn’t bothered, that could also signify a problem). Did you intend to hurt him? What were your reasons? Perhaps you were enjoying the attention you don’t normally receive from your partner. Do bear in mind that full-blown affairs often start as emotional affairs, as with Lizzie and Freddie (Katherine Parkinson and Danny Dyer) in the TV adaptation of Jilly Cooper’s Rivals. I would suggest that you wanted the other man’s attention, but also your partner’s — to be able to say to yourself and everyone else: “Look, I’m wanted.” Whatever the truth is, it could be a destructive way of seeking attention.

Chatting someone up can be harmless, but ask yourself why you need the validation

She calls you “gorgeous”. Her fingers might linger on yours as she passes you a coffee. Giggling and chatting brightens the dullness of watching your kids play football. It’s harmless, right? That depends on what you read into it. Your fingers brushed, you felt a spark and you’ve been thinking about it since the match. I would say that if you need this sort of validation, there’s an unsatisfied emotional need there. In my clinic, I would ask, when was the last time you had sex with your partner? And we would go from there.

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